The first poems of the collection

Here are some poems written by me, Steevieg, Grapes and Daz, we submitted them for publication but we got refused:

The Clinic, by Sean 1976-2005

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
The fact that my sex life was being denied,
But then I spent so many nights,
Worrying with fear,
I shed a tear,
But at least I’ll know my penis’s clear
So Off I go,
To the clinic,
I’ll just walk in there,
And say will you test my dick!
I want you to do all your stupid tests
And I want them all for free
And just tell me if it will hurt
Not just say it’ll be scratchy

So off I go,
Through the Dr’s door,
I’ll drop my pants now,
I have no dignity any more
Weren’t you the one who said
It’ll be over in just a jiffy,
I thought I’d crumble
I thought please don’t get a stiffy
But no not I, I will survive
Bring on your cocktail twizzler
And stick it up inside
I’ve got my teeth clenched down tight, it’d better be worth this shite
I will survive, I will survive….hey hey!




Kettle Cattle Arm Explosion, Doktor

there was a young man called Jobnob
who came from Bizmania
he had four baby pregnant lamps
and listened to the soundtrack from Wrestlemania

He became a warrior ninja
and didn't let barcharts stop him
then he went to the Prime Minja
and laid down the consititution

His new car was ocean
And when the pen broke
He bought a new one
Because his arm exploded

Liberty is the cost of energy
In the capital Buzzmar
But they who are in aeriels
When do cats eat chips?

Ding-a-ling dang Eat My Face, Stevie G

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of doom
I take a look at myself and realise I've become a croon
Coz I've been running and cyclin' a lot
But the pool feels like a lump of snot
With the feeling of pain
And motivation to regain
Its mind over matter or I'll just get fatter
Drinking like a fish and shitting on my runs
The road feels like its full of huns
For me, a Celt, it's a tough old jog
And before runs I must drop the log
So what to do you ask of me?
Well here's my answer u smelly gee
Reform my shit and grope some tits
Make it up the hill without the aid of a pill
I'll do this tri or I will die
I could act like a homo mouse
But first I'll get a dirty scouse!!



Mutated Ass Monkey Eating Floppy Spunk Monster, by Fraser Sinclair

Far, far away,
In the galaxy of haematoma
Lay a man but not a man
For he was a pillar
A real pillar, not just of the community
Hanging his head in shame, he smashed the toaster over her head
Wounded she was
Defeated she was not

Spider webs are less sticky then her vengeance
And toast is less burnt than her vagina
For the floppy disk drive is no longer available
Just thrown on the scraphead along with the jellyfish

But the jellyfish mutate
They no longer float but swim up pipes
Stinging the bare arses in the toilets
And finding their way in to peanut butter sandwiches

Sandwiches that should not be eaten but are consumed with relish
Horseradish relish
It squirts in the eye and blinds the poor lions
But as the saying goes;
In the land of the blind, the one eyed lion is king
The hyena disagree
And lick their bottoms as they go
Because they need to send a message
To a man who we all know
Who courts defeat
And dances with shame

Stevie G you can't quit
Too much is at stake
The lads will not let you
Or we'll keep writing this sh1t