Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Daz... on training for a 7 day marathon up Everest 12.07.05

my 7 day marathon, everest training is also going quite well...

last nite...took a potato peeler...ripped all the skin of both feet...sprinkled them with salt..and then pured dettol all over them..
put on all my snowboarding gear...inluding extra tops, hats, goggles etc -
climbed into the oven...(big oven)...did a million (no exaggeration) sit ups will turning it on full blast...stayed there for 2 hrs..came out lightly toasted....but 6 pack looking nicely tanned...however goggles melted to my face...bit painful...but didn't stop me!
then hopped...ripped goggles off...took half skin off my face as well...
checked feet...don't have any left...just stumps...took off all clothes...just put on pair of lycra green luminous speedos...then climbed into the freezer to repeat sit ups...bit chilly...but suppose...have to acclimatise for the everest jog...
also did a million press ups...lost 4 fingers to frostbite...probably cos i was doing the pressups on finger tips...one handed...whilst embedding them in ice cubes...

anyway...got wheelchair lift into work today...due to losing my feet...might try and reattach them myself at lunchtime...bit of needle and thread...
as for the fingers...not so sure...maybe rip a few toes off and stick them on my hand...

looking fwd to training tonite already...gona drown myself in the bath...then drop a toaster in while being plugged in...just in case i get hit by lightning on the saraha marathon run or on everest...just wanna know what it feels like...so again i'll know it when i feel it...don't want any surprises..

Steevieg on Pain (10.03.05)

Ramming a snooker ball up each nostril and walking out into the cold...letting the snooker balls expand and smacking ur face with a plank with splinters all over it!!! Fishing a contact lense out of the back of ur eye with a rusty spoon cover in weil's disease and cyaninde....then impaling urself on a splintered wodden pool holding 2 x 5kg weights in each hand and having a doss of the gas so every time u f#rt u slide down and eventually a spike comes out of u mouth!! Ur mate then rips u off the poles against the grain so u get more splinters!!
Then u jump into a paper mill and roll around in a pit of paper, fatally paper cutting every piece of ur body. But just before u die, ur mate sticks a pole in ur bottom and let a rat, which hasn't been fed for 2 weeks, to run up inside and eat ur internal organs!!!!
That happened me last weekend!

Steevieg's Nice Face

Sheep 34 Banana

Sheep 34 Banana:

I ate a dogs face
It didn't taste nice
Happy little children
They are probably retards

Granny cooks chocolate in the microwave
Uncle in the garden eating watering cans
My internal organs run around my leg
Young frogs like to jump on buttons

Darkness descends upon the plants
Crying their eyes upon the flies
Dungeons of pain in carpet colour
Frown in monkey kneecaps

No ear lobes
The friendly beggar said.


This is my favourite poem I wrote and I think it is Niamh's favourite too.

Current Affairs by Sinky 08/07/2005

Current Affairs
Affairs: The forbidden fruit All around us people are eating currents and having affairs And like a London commuter They are terrified of bad timing
On one hand They lust after bicycle oil And they only have one hand So there can be only one way to turn in the wheelchair Whizzing round the track In Glasgow's Kelvin Hall Happy little retards Giving their all
Up at Gleneagles They feast on haggis But that pr.ick Chirac Is a total fa.ggot Bitter and twisted He didn’t get the Olympics
London under siege People work on Money is more important than life Especially when you're Irish Godzilla waits to pounce on the escapees But like all giant lizards that are genetically mutated He's a po.of
Where is the end? What will become of us? Kyoto has failed So we're all fcuked.

New Poem by Me

Today I went for a swim
They said “Is that him?”
Bop dop mop
Hop Hop

Bong dong gong
The rabbit ate a song
Inside it blurp

Great maggot juice
Eating eyeball soup
Slurp slurp slurp
The rabbits a$s sang blurp

Broom sweeps cats face
Off the Wednesday train
Swish swash gurgle
A yeti cuts off his toe

Pots hurt few sausages
Boil toil ants legs
Cut nut

Sinky wrote this poem for Niamh

Retard Face by Sinky Jatwob

Retard face
Not his fault
She headbutts the table
And eats the curtain
Plants can't walk
They're g.ay

Champagne in your face
Leonard did it
Over the hill
Sits on a flag pole
Escaping the cattle-ships
And extracting an.al pleasure from the flag pole pressure

The wheelchair racers
Drool on their laps
So does Leonard
The lap-drooler
Snow falls
Planes fly
Some crash
The swamp drinkers hit each other in the face with pavements

Maggot Babies

I wrote this one for Niamh...

Maggot Babies by DOK

Small chicken in my socks
Pecking at the maggot
Old man says ughhhhhh
Cos he is retarded
Punch him hard in the knee
Kick him in the nuts
Pull his eyeballs out with an empty coke can

A tropical fish swam up my nose
A swan was born in my a$s
It cannot drive a car

Where is the blurp?
In your beard?

Another poem by Sinky

Dok loves to rhyme
If he has the time
They come in spurts
Like something else

Then you get loads
10 in 10 minutes
Like Stevie G in the sack

What will Daz do?
He loves his bird
But she lives in Dublin
Ding dang do
Magoo likes milk

Milk leaks from my eye ball
Don't know why
Maybe I swam in it too long
Or maybe I'm a cow
I keep driving for miles


How far does one go to eat a house?
Depends what it's made of
Like the Famous Grouse
Sponsors of Scotland
Defeaters of England

A poem called Bounce


Can a kangaroo
Jump into a poo
Climbing up a mountain
Or p1ssing off a fountain?

Bounce bounce bounce
Chop off his head
Blood blood blood squirts out his ned
Then you can pounce and kick him in the face

Peel a banana and put it down his neck
Stick a packet of biscuits into his pouch
Roll him into a ball and stand on a hill
Roll him down the hill

Bounce bounce bounce


Munch Mad

This is a poem I wrote called Munch Mad:


I ate brunch
I then ate lunch
Grapes is a bunch
He drank some punch

He lives in a pad
Grapes is bad
He’s a lad
He’s bad


The first poems of the collection

Here are some poems written by me, Steevieg, Grapes and Daz, we submitted them for publication but we got refused:

The Clinic, by Sean 1976-2005

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
The fact that my sex life was being denied,
But then I spent so many nights,
Worrying with fear,
I shed a tear,
But at least I’ll know my penis’s clear
So Off I go,
To the clinic,
I’ll just walk in there,
And say will you test my dick!
I want you to do all your stupid tests
And I want them all for free
And just tell me if it will hurt
Not just say it’ll be scratchy

So off I go,
Through the Dr’s door,
I’ll drop my pants now,
I have no dignity any more
Weren’t you the one who said
It’ll be over in just a jiffy,
I thought I’d crumble
I thought please don’t get a stiffy
But no not I, I will survive
Bring on your cocktail twizzler
And stick it up inside
I’ve got my teeth clenched down tight, it’d better be worth this shite
I will survive, I will survive….hey hey!

Kettle Cattle Arm Explosion, Doktor

there was a young man called Jobnob
who came from Bizmania
he had four baby pregnant lamps
and listened to the soundtrack from Wrestlemania

He became a warrior ninja
and didn't let barcharts stop him
then he went to the Prime Minja
and laid down the consititution

His new car was ocean
And when the pen broke
He bought a new one
Because his arm exploded

Liberty is the cost of energy
In the capital Buzzmar
But they who are in aeriels
When do cats eat chips?

Ding-a-ling dang Eat My Face, Stevie G

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of doom
I take a look at myself and realise I've become a croon
Coz I've been running and cyclin' a lot
But the pool feels like a lump of snot
With the feeling of pain
And motivation to regain
Its mind over matter or I'll just get fatter
Drinking like a fish and shitting on my runs
The road feels like its full of huns
For me, a Celt, it's a tough old jog
And before runs I must drop the log
So what to do you ask of me?
Well here's my answer u smelly gee
Reform my shit and grope some tits
Make it up the hill without the aid of a pill
I'll do this tri or I will die
I could act like a homo mouse
But first I'll get a dirty scouse!!

Mutated Ass Monkey Eating Floppy Spunk Monster, by Fraser Sinclair

Far, far away,
In the galaxy of haematoma
Lay a man but not a man
For he was a pillar
A real pillar, not just of the community
Hanging his head in shame, he smashed the toaster over her head
Wounded she was
Defeated she was not

Spider webs are less sticky then her vengeance
And toast is less burnt than her vagina
For the floppy disk drive is no longer available
Just thrown on the scraphead along with the jellyfish

But the jellyfish mutate
They no longer float but swim up pipes
Stinging the bare arses in the toilets
And finding their way in to peanut butter sandwiches

Sandwiches that should not be eaten but are consumed with relish
Horseradish relish
It squirts in the eye and blinds the poor lions
But as the saying goes;
In the land of the blind, the one eyed lion is king
The hyena disagree
And lick their bottoms as they go
Because they need to send a message
To a man who we all know
Who courts defeat
And dances with shame

Stevie G you can't quit
Too much is at stake
The lads will not let you
Or we'll keep writing this sh1t

Monday, August 21, 2006

Dublin Passport Office

Went to Dublin Passport Office today to get a certified copy of passport. But they are Timmmmaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy's. The rude lady at the front desk told me that they didn't do them and that I would have to go to the Department of Foreign Affairs. The man at the front desk in there, another Civil Service employee who hadn't a clue and is as lazy as a pregnant rabbit with no legs, told me that they didn't do them either and sent me to a solicitor who told me to go back to the passport office who told me I need to get a new passport and it will cost €125!!!!

Now, I needed the certified passport to help open a trading account online to make money... and before I have even set it up it has cost €125!!!

Its ok though I will make it back in Vegas...

Friday, August 18, 2006

Scooby Doo

Scooby Doo barked at a cat and he growled at a mouse. It was not in a house. I like to smell my toenails. Zoiks!

Leeds is savage, it is nice, I like rice.

If you make love to an animal do you make love to its poohole or its weehole.

One day in 1997, me and Jokes went for a run in our boxer shorts in the rain in Boston, MA. I don't remember why but it was funny at the time.

Steevieg Joke

Today Steevieg told me a joke:

What did one cat say to the other cat?

"Fu#k off ya h0mo!"

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Whats up with LA?

Frankie Ding Dong asked me what was up with me and LA? Here is my response:

Well... it was a long time ago now but I left San Diego (the whales vag1na) to make some cash and headed for the bright lights of LA. There I found a woman sporting a handlebar moustache who introduced to me a game people commonly know as checkers. She was a wizard. I had to king her every time but the fact was that she was psyching me out really, testing me for what I never knew would be the biggest challenge of my life... to down a naggin of Baileys in three seconds. She introduced the concept to me over dinner after we made love on a mahogany balcony in her 3 story apartment on the east side of town close to where all the homies live. She lived there because she was a famous rap singer back in 1963 before it became famous and was worshipped by all those who lived close by. Little did I know but she had once gone scuba diving with Neil Diamond off the coast of Florida hunting for marlin with her bare hands and wrote a rap song about it. It was pleasant but too racist at a sensitive time. The Baileys went down fast, and she even faster. I didn't mind the moustache as I had one myself but not as bushy as hers. She left that day and never said goodbye. I lived in her house for two weeks before I finally decided she wasn't coming back and since then I haven't been able to return to LA.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Pope in the bush

I found a pope in the bush the other day and I squashed it. It burst and left yellow stains on my shirt. So I took my shirt to the green grocers to get it cleaned, now we all know what happens when you mix yellow and green. Yes that’s right it turned blue. Now I don’t like this blue shirt so I burned it and then John’s ghost left the shirt because it was the one in which he died in back in 1973. That was sad, do you remember? Poor old John just walking down the street and the next thing a herd of rabbits came out of nowhere and trampled him to death. Six of the rabbits died during the melee and we ate them all at the wake. But everyone was asleep and they all had the same dream at the same time. They were all floating on the back of a giant balloon in French Guiana and a jungle monkey burst the balloon and it landed on the canopy of the forest and woke up the angry bear with no legs who chased us through the jungle but he was only rolling. You know what that reminds me of? A rolling bear gathering moss. He had a whole bag of moss by the time he caught Margaret and ate her with a bit of moss on top. She tasted like chicken he said. Which also reminds me. Are bears able to speak? And do they speak English, even in the jungles of French Guiana? I don’t know cos I have never been. But I know a man who has. His name is Tom and he lives on the side of a bus drivers chimney on the coast of Niger. You may be thinking that Niger doesn’t have a coast. But it does, its just really really small.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

War in Lebanon

Israel is showing the world again that it is afraid to face up to its responsibilities by continuing to attack Lebabon after the massacre at Qana. The United States is sponsoring this massacre and the continued appeasement of Israels advancement in the Middle East by the US, UK, Canada and Australia will have longer term repercussions.

Hezbollah on the other hand is continuing to launch attacks on Israel and obtaining political advantage at the deaths of innocent civilians under the attacks of the Israelis. Iran for sure is using this to strengthen the power and support of its regime in Tehran.

Two sides playing a dangerous game with innocent lives supported by evil empirical tyrants who wish to use them as pawns in a bigger game.

The same was done by the US and USSR in the Cold War by supplying factions of wars in Africa and other poor countries to fight wars using their weaponry.

In the end it is all a waste of time as all empires crumble. But what lessons are to be learned by the human race? Have we really evolved as far as we think?