Clublurpety Doo - New Quiz Show!

Clublurpety Doo
Clublurpety Doo
Clublurpety Doo!!

And here is your host Doktor Fat Face McNiceBarnet and Stupid Moustache...

Welcome on the show tonight. I'd like to welcome our guests, Sinky & Katie (nice baps), Steevieg & Frankie (nice baps) and Daz & Brian De Head.
Question 1: What is the capital of Bizmania?...
Blurp!
Ah that was Fraser on the blurper first... yes Fraser
"Hamish!"
I'm afraid that's wrong, anyone else like to hazard a guess?
Blurp!
Ah Daz, what is your answer?... going to confer with Brian then? Oops looks like he rolled off the counter there.
"Buzzmar"
Yes that's the correct answer, 10 points.
Steevieg and Frankie can you stop kissing please? Thanks.
Ok, question 2: How many retards does it take to eat a badger?
Steevieg, you have an answer?
"I think that the transconglomeration of the outer perturbation of the molecular donkey face is something that I disagree with. Frankie, shut up! I am talking!!!! The capitilisation of the badger culture began back in 1888........
- two hours later -
... and so I guess probably 2"
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......... Sorry are you finished, no I'm afraid the answer is not 2 but thanks for your essay. Daz?
"Eh I once saw a cabbage eat an upsidedown chair, it was only one cabbage so I guess 4"
The correct answer...

Welcome back to the second half of the show. The current scores are:
Daz & Brian in the lead with 20 points
Sinky & Katie in second place with 10 points (bonus points of 5 per bap)
Steevieg & Frankie in last place with -5 points (cos he is a j3w!)
This is fastest finger first, I'd like you to nominate one person from each team. Ok... Frank, Fraser and.... Brian. Ok Brian, you know you don't actually have any fingers? No, I'm not being racist. No, I have nothing against bodiless people. Ok, fair enough.
Question 1: "What..."
BLURP!
Brian... well I don't know how you did that but what is your answer?
"Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit"
Yes, that's correct. The question was going to be what is the starting line of the famous hit song by The Retarded Pencil Frogs called I Live in a Pint of Aids Juice Halfway to the Moon, that's the correct answer.
Question 2: "Where..."
BLURP!
Daz, what is the answer?
"France"
No, I'm afraid that's wrong. No, it is wrong I have the answer here. What do you mean you don't accept that, you don't even know the question? The question was where is the planet Lambda? Its not right. What do you mean you're not playing any more? You are top scorer. You don't care, you won anyway? Ok...
BLURP!
Sinky, what is the answer?
"HAMISH!"
No, sorry, wrong answer. Frankie?
"Eh... I'm caught in a trap, I can't go on...." BANG!
Sorry, Steevieg had to shoot him, he was going to start singing.
The winner is Brian & Steevie, and all expenses holiday paid to the Retard Camp in Uzbekistan where you will be given 50 bullets to kill as many as you can.

Countries I have visited!

I used to think it was a lot until I did this...


create your own visited country map

This makes I think 38 countries. I added two more at the end of 2006, Romania and Finland. To be added in 2007 are Iceland, India and maybe China. If I did Russia that would colour most of the map in.

Who is Brian De Head?

It is not known where and when Brian De Head was born or raised. But he was born with a body.

Recent evidence suggests that he chopped off his body after training for the Moon Marathon which is an event where one runs a marathon across the Moon. Apparently his body was screaming so he chopped it off.

Since then he has moved to a new home inside the stomach of an ostrich where he lives.

He is great fun apparently. In a recent trip to Las Vegas he was seen bobbing in the pool to impress chicks.

Chicks is a touchy subject, he was dumped by the love of his life, Margaret because she said he had no heart which is harsh but true as he has no body.

Brian came with us skiing in Chile before Frankie Ding Dong arrived, fell off his skis and rolled all the way to Santiago. Nearly died but was ok cos he had a helmet on so only hurt his jaw. We left him in the hospital where he ended up marrying a girl with no arms and no legs... but she was still too much for him!

He came to Tenerife with me and I've seen a lot of him in Oslo too. Steevieg brought him to a few places I am sure and once got in a fight with him. That was ugly!

There are no known photos of Brian.

Good Things About Norway

I was asked if there was anything good about Norway... I will add more if I discover them

1. Brunettes with arctic blue eyes

2. Hemsedal at Easter, the craziest party you will ever go to... well, its up there anyway and Norwegian people are mental after a beer or two!

3. Long days in summer

Strange things about Norway

I have been 'living'/working in Norway since December 2005 and I wanted to share with the world some strange observations about Norway, I will keep this updated.

1. People

2. Winter & Summer
- Winter is dark and cold but dark even in the day
- Summer is bright and warm but really bright all the time

3. Food
- Norwegian people do not like flavours it seems, they eat bread, bread, bread, bread, cheese, cheese and cheese and strange bits of meat with salad. Some of their traditional dishes include burying a fish in a hole in the ground with salt and digging it up 6 months later rotten and eating it. They say "it doesn't smell nice but it tastes good". Yeah right!

Another one is boiled sheeps head. Now I have been told that you only get to eat this if you are invited to someones place, they would only eat it once a year and not everyone does it. Thank God for that! But apparently they eat everything... that would include tongue, face, chin, ears, eyeballs and brain! Sounds delicious.

4. SAD - Seasonal Adjustment Disorder:
I was once told by a Swedish girl that she hated Norwegians cos they so happy all the time, they appeared retarded. Well they do seem a bit too happy, although in Winter they either disappear or go sort of quiet or walk around the streets completely hammered drunk at times like 10 a.m. in the morning. I can see how Winter here would drive people to drink.

However in Summer they are the happiest people in the world, its a bit like the Truman Show.

5. Anywhere outside Oslo:
Weird!

6. People who live in the far north of Norway. There is nothing there, no people, its cold and dark, why would anyone want to live there?

7. Clothes
Some people I have seen wearing the following combinations:
- wellies, shorts, yellow belt, cravat, shirt
- traditional Norwegian clothes, nice.

8. Cross country skiing
People will actually get orgasmic telling you how much they love cross country skiing. In summer they put wheels on skiis and do cross country skiing on wheels. They absolutely love it! Can't see the appeal myself, uphill skiing seems like too much hard work and not enough reward. Give me the slopes anyday.

9. Last night:
Last night we went to a work function with 450 people, everyone got hammered drunk and they can't really handle their drink here. A band came on and the guy who was a sh1te singer, even worse than me, asked if we were ready for rock and roll and then sung the theme to Ghostbusters. He mentioned on quite a few occasions "I ain't afraid of no ghost".

Pineapple Potatoes

In Chile (June-August 2002) me, Daz and Liamo lived in a wooden hut up in the mountains near Santiago de Chile. We lived in Refugio de la Universidad de Chile in a small mountain village called Farrellones. We snowboarded everyday.

Every weekend we went to the city, staying in La Casa Roja, going out in Calle Suecia and Bellavista. On the Sunday we went to the massive Lider supermercado in Las Condes to do our weekly shopping for food that we would eat up in the mountains.

Mainly we bought porridge, bread, eggs, turkey, ham, cheese (breakfast and lunch) and soup, potatoes, pasta, chicken, alfredo sauce, and beans (for dinner).

One day with a tin of beans we got a tin of pineapple free. We didn't think much of it until we were running out of food one week on a Thursday. All we had left was eggs, beans, potatoes and pineapples. So we decided we would fry the potatoes and then I thought lets throw in the pineapples with the potatoes and it was absolutely delicious.

Thats it, that the story about pineapple potatoes. The thing is that we cooked it more often after that cos we actually liked it. I even cooked it once since I got back.

Daz... on training for a 7 day marathon up Everest 12.07.05

my 7 day marathon, everest training is also going quite well...


last nite...took a potato peeler...ripped all the skin of both feet...sprinkled them with salt..and then pured dettol all over them..
put on all my snowboarding gear...inluding extra tops, hats, goggles etc -
climbed into the oven...(big oven)...did a million (no exaggeration) sit ups will turning it on full blast...stayed there for 2 hrs..came out lightly toasted....but 6 pack looking nicely tanned...however goggles melted to my face...bit painful...but didn't stop me!
then hopped...ripped goggles off...took half skin off my face as well...
checked feet...don't have any left...just stumps...took off all clothes...just put on pair of lycra green luminous speedos...then climbed into the freezer to repeat sit ups...bit chilly...but suppose...have to acclimatise for the everest jog...
also did a million press ups...lost 4 fingers to frostbite...probably cos i was doing the pressups on finger tips...one handed...whilst embedding them in ice cubes...

anyway...got wheelchair lift into work today...due to losing my feet...might try and reattach them myself at lunchtime...bit of needle and thread...
as for the fingers...not so sure...maybe rip a few toes off and stick them on my hand...

looking fwd to training tonite already...gona drown myself in the bath...then drop a toaster in while being plugged in...just in case i get hit by lightning on the saraha marathon run or on everest...just wanna know what it feels like...so again i'll know it when i feel it...don't want any surprises..

Steevieg on Pain (10.03.05)

Ramming a snooker ball up each nostril and walking out into the cold...letting the snooker balls expand and smacking ur face with a plank with splinters all over it!!! Fishing a contact lense out of the back of ur eye with a rusty spoon cover in weil's disease and cyaninde....then impaling urself on a splintered wodden pool holding 2 x 5kg weights in each hand and having a doss of the gas so every time u f#rt u slide down and eventually a spike comes out of u mouth!! Ur mate then rips u off the poles against the grain so u get more splinters!!
Then u jump into a paper mill and roll around in a pit of paper, fatally paper cutting every piece of ur body. But just before u die, ur mate sticks a pole in ur bottom and let a rat, which hasn't been fed for 2 weeks, to run up inside and eat ur internal organs!!!!
That happened me last weekend!

Sheep 34 Banana

Sheep 34 Banana:

I ate a dogs face
It didn't taste nice
Happy little children
They are probably retards

Granny cooks chocolate in the microwave
Uncle in the garden eating watering cans
My internal organs run around my leg
Young frogs like to jump on buttons

Darkness descends upon the plants
Crying their eyes upon the flies
Dungeons of pain in carpet colour
Frown in monkey kneecaps

No ear lobes
The friendly beggar said.

THE END

This is my favourite poem I wrote and I think it is Niamh's favourite too.

Current Affairs by Sinky 08/07/2005

Current Affairs
Affairs: The forbidden fruit All around us people are eating currents and having affairs And like a London commuter They are terrified of bad timing
On one hand They lust after bicycle oil And they only have one hand So there can be only one way to turn in the wheelchair Whizzing round the track In Glasgow's Kelvin Hall Happy little retards Giving their all
Up at Gleneagles They feast on haggis But that pr.ick Chirac Is a total fa.ggot Bitter and twisted He didn’t get the Olympics
London under siege People work on Money is more important than life Especially when you're Irish Godzilla waits to pounce on the escapees But like all giant lizards that are genetically mutated He's a po.of
Where is the end? What will become of us? Kyoto has failed So we're all fcuked.

New Poem by Me

Today I went for a swim
They said “Is that him?”
Bop dop mop
Hop Hop
Pop

Bong dong gong
The rabbit ate a song
Inside it blurp
Hmmmmm

Great maggot juice
Eating eyeball soup
Slurp slurp slurp
The rabbits a$s sang blurp

Broom sweeps cats face
Off the Wednesday train
Swish swash gurgle
A yeti cuts off his toe

Pots hurt few sausages
Boil toil ants legs
Cut nut
Dim

Sinky wrote this poem for Niamh

Retard Face by Sinky Jatwob

Retard face
Not his fault
She headbutts the table
And eats the curtain
Plants can't walk
They're g.ay

Champagne in your face
Leonard did it
Over the hill
Blurp!
Sits on a flag pole
Escaping the cattle-ships
And extracting an.al pleasure from the flag pole pressure

The wheelchair racers
Drool on their laps
So does Leonard
The lap-drooler
Snow falls
Planes fly
Some crash
The swamp drinkers hit each other in the face with pavements
AGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!

Maggot Babies

I wrote this one for Niamh...

Maggot Babies by DOK

Small chicken in my socks
Pecking at the maggot
Old man says ughhhhhh
Cos he is retarded
Punch him hard in the knee
Kick him in the nuts
Pull his eyeballs out with an empty coke can

A tropical fish swam up my nose
A swan was born in my a$s
It cannot drive a car

Where is the blurp?
In your beard?
Boom.

Another poem by Sinky

Dok loves to rhyme
If he has the time
They come in spurts
Like something else

Then you get loads
10 in 10 minutes
Like Stevie G in the sack

What will Daz do?
He loves his bird
But she lives in Dublin
Ding dang do
Magoo
Magoo likes milk

Milk leaks from my eye ball
Don't know why
Maybe I swam in it too long
Or maybe I'm a cow
I keep driving for miles

Miles

How far does one go to eat a house?
Depends what it's made of
Like the Famous Grouse
Sponsors of Scotland
Defeaters of England
Yeehaa!!!!!!!

A poem called Bounce

Can
Man

Can a kangaroo
Jump into a poo
Climbing up a mountain
Or p1ssing off a fountain?

Bounce bounce bounce
Chop off his head
Blood blood blood squirts out his ned
Then you can pounce and kick him in the face

Peel a banana and put it down his neck
Stick a packet of biscuits into his pouch
Roll him into a ball and stand on a hill
Roll him down the hill

Bounce bounce bounce

Ban
Dan

Munch Mad

This is a poem I wrote called Munch Mad:


Munch
Punch

I ate brunch
I then ate lunch
Grapes is a bunch
He drank some punch

He lives in a pad
Grapes is bad
He’s a lad
He’s bad

Pad
Mad

The first poems of the collection

Here are some poems written by me, Steevieg, Grapes and Daz, we submitted them for publication but we got refused:

The Clinic, by Sean 1976-2005

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
The fact that my sex life was being denied,
But then I spent so many nights,
Worrying with fear,
I shed a tear,
But at least I’ll know my penis’s clear
So Off I go,
To the clinic,
I’ll just walk in there,
And say will you test my dick!
I want you to do all your stupid tests
And I want them all for free
And just tell me if it will hurt
Not just say it’ll be scratchy

So off I go,
Through the Dr’s door,
I’ll drop my pants now,
I have no dignity any more
Weren’t you the one who said
It’ll be over in just a jiffy,
I thought I’d crumble
I thought please don’t get a stiffy
But no not I, I will survive
Bring on your cocktail twizzler
And stick it up inside
I’ve got my teeth clenched down tight, it’d better be worth this shite
I will survive, I will survive….hey hey!




Kettle Cattle Arm Explosion, Doktor

there was a young man called Jobnob
who came from Bizmania
he had four baby pregnant lamps
and listened to the soundtrack from Wrestlemania

He became a warrior ninja
and didn't let barcharts stop him
then he went to the Prime Minja
and laid down the consititution

His new car was ocean
And when the pen broke
He bought a new one
Because his arm exploded

Liberty is the cost of energy
In the capital Buzzmar
But they who are in aeriels
When do cats eat chips?

Ding-a-ling dang Eat My Face, Stevie G

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of doom
I take a look at myself and realise I've become a croon
Coz I've been running and cyclin' a lot
But the pool feels like a lump of snot
With the feeling of pain
And motivation to regain
Its mind over matter or I'll just get fatter
Drinking like a fish and shitting on my runs
The road feels like its full of huns
For me, a Celt, it's a tough old jog
And before runs I must drop the log
So what to do you ask of me?
Well here's my answer u smelly gee
Reform my shit and grope some tits
Make it up the hill without the aid of a pill
I'll do this tri or I will die
I could act like a homo mouse
But first I'll get a dirty scouse!!



Mutated Ass Monkey Eating Floppy Spunk Monster, by Fraser Sinclair

Far, far away,
In the galaxy of haematoma
Lay a man but not a man
For he was a pillar
A real pillar, not just of the community
Hanging his head in shame, he smashed the toaster over her head
Wounded she was
Defeated she was not

Spider webs are less sticky then her vengeance
And toast is less burnt than her vagina
For the floppy disk drive is no longer available
Just thrown on the scraphead along with the jellyfish

But the jellyfish mutate
They no longer float but swim up pipes
Stinging the bare arses in the toilets
And finding their way in to peanut butter sandwiches

Sandwiches that should not be eaten but are consumed with relish
Horseradish relish
It squirts in the eye and blinds the poor lions
But as the saying goes;
In the land of the blind, the one eyed lion is king
The hyena disagree
And lick their bottoms as they go
Because they need to send a message
To a man who we all know
Who courts defeat
And dances with shame

Stevie G you can't quit
Too much is at stake
The lads will not let you
Or we'll keep writing this sh1t

Dublin Passport Office

Went to Dublin Passport Office today to get a certified copy of passport. But they are Timmmmaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy's. The rude lady at the front desk told me that they didn't do them and that I would have to go to the Department of Foreign Affairs. The man at the front desk in there, another Civil Service employee who hadn't a clue and is as lazy as a pregnant rabbit with no legs, told me that they didn't do them either and sent me to a solicitor who told me to go back to the passport office who told me I need to get a new passport and it will cost €125!!!!

Now, I needed the certified passport to help open a trading account online to make money... and before I have even set it up it has cost €125!!!

Its ok though I will make it back in Vegas...

Scooby Doo

Scooby Doo barked at a cat and he growled at a mouse. It was not in a house. I like to smell my toenails. Zoiks!

Leeds is savage, it is nice, I like rice.

If you make love to an animal do you make love to its poohole or its weehole.

One day in 1997, me and Jokes went for a run in our boxer shorts in the rain in Boston, MA. I don't remember why but it was funny at the time.

Steevieg Joke

Today Steevieg told me a joke:

What did one cat say to the other cat?

"Fu#k off ya h0mo!"